a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
