do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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