just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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