Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
