you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
