Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
