WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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