i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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