i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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