Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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