After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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