No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
