i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
