It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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