So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She told me I should be a condom model.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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