You're completely useless in the revolution.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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