So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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