No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
