he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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