You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
