just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Come share oat with me in your robe
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
