CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
