i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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