Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just had sex on a roof
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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