Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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