Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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