it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Less talking, more tequila
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
