My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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