I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
