I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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