I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
