All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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