There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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