An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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