I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
