Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
