my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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