i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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