this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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