Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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