A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
