Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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