he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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