if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
