my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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