I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
