During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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