My first STD was from a foam party
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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