i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
