I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
