Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just puked most of my soul out..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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