This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We have started to decorate penises.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
